Cheaters never prosper!

Never has a motto been so dead wrong and so darn misleading to so many people. The truth is that cheaters often prosper and that is the very reason cheaters cheat. Everybody knows that.

It was Halloween Eve 1995 and the von Hoffman Brothers happened upon their first Manhattan Beach Pumpkin Race. But, Do-Gooders will say that Cheaters never prosper because in the long run Cheaters eventually get caught. And even if Cheaters don’t get the caught, Do-Gooders believe the “good” feelings of winning by cheating are eventually replaced by bad feelings.

As children, our instinct is to stop Cheaters right in their cheating tracks with the universal Do-Gooder chant: "CHEAT – ER!!! CHEAT – ER!!!" Remember?

No one likes a Cheater. However, as we grow older we soon learn the weird lesson that no one really likes a Do-Gooder either. But with all this cheating going on lately maybe it’s time to give Do-Gooders a better name. Maybe it’s time that doing good and playing fair and square are cool again?

Or, perhaps it’s time to give Cheaters a really bad name…

…and so begins the Legend of The Cheater Pumpkin.

It was Halloween Eve 1995 and the von Hoffman Brothers happened upon their first Manhattan Beach Pumpkin Race. They were inspired by the Pumpkin Race and its intriguing twist on the classic tradition of the Pinewood Derby – also created in Manhattan Beach just like the Pumpkin Races (truth! pinky swear!).

The brothers were drawn to the Pumpkin Race like moths to a flame. They were hypnotized and spellbound by the good-spirited fun and hilarious competition of the Pumpkin Race.

Unfortunately, their Pumpkin RaceCar “Hell Squash” suffered an unfortunate loss in its first heat. However, the boys took their first loss in stride and vowed to return the next year with “the winning” Pumpkin RaceCar.

True to their word the boys returned with bright beams of hope in their eyes and their new and improved Pumpkin RaceCar held tightly in their arms. This year the von Hoffman brothers put their axels on straight used better wheels. They guided their pumpkin racer "Screamin’ Skull" on to win two glorious qualifying heat victories. You should have seen them whoopin’, hollerin’and high fivin’ at the finish line. Come to think of it, both brothers managed to live up to their "Screamin’ Skull" name.

Unfortunately, the brothers suffered a heartbreaking loss in the semi-finals to the Brilliant Professor and his granddaughter who used friction-free professional grinding pads for wheels (did she do that all by herself?). Their Pumpkin Racer just flew down the race track and easily captured the coveted Pumpkin Race Grand Champion trophy.

Encouraged by their advance to the semi-finals the von Hoffman Brothers returned the following year with a new and improved “winning” pumpkin RaceCar. But, their hopes of winning the race with "Help! Alfalfa! Help!" were soon dashed. It turned out that “SpongeBob” a friendly pumpkin racecar with square pants, crooked teeth, and crooked axels veered into the helpless Alfalfa pumpkin RaceCar and forced it out of the race.

Thrice defeated the brothers became upset. They began to utter words that would not be allowed in a PG-13 movie. But their fury soon rose to Apocalyptic proportion when they inspected Scary Fireman II, the newly crowned Pumpkin Race Grand Champion. The boys had made a shocking and life changing discovery. The "winning" Pumpkin Racecar was in direct violation of the most important Official Pumpkin Race Rule which states: “You cannot mount your Pumpkin Racecar to a pre-fabricated chassis of any kind.” They discovered that the winning pumpkin was, in fact, a cheater pumpkin!

On their long and dark ride home, the von Hoffman brothers threw their principles (you know – sense of morality, fair play, and stuff like that) right out the window. Darn those litter bugs! They conceived of a pumpkin RaceCar design so sinister that it would surely secure them certain victory… by cheating.

Their cheater design was mounted on a hidden pre-fabricated chassis. It had powerful and dangerous rocket booster engines to propel it past all the other Pumpkin RaceCars. Oh, and there were other violations way too graphic and dangerous to mention publicly.

They named their Omen-child gourd creation The Cheater Pumpkin.

The brothers arrived at the next Pumpkin Race with The Cheater Pumpkin. Their every move was a well-orchestrated and evil scheme to win by cheating. First, there was the successful distraction of the starting line referee who then forgot to conduct his pre-race inspection. Then, there was the successful hidden booster engine blast whenever they needed the extra speed to pass another racer. They propelled their Cheater Pumpkin RaceCar on to victory through several qualifying rounds and all the way into the finals. The kids and adults cheered uncontrollably and the Cheater Pumpkin soon became their favorite.

Everything was going according to the brother’s grand cheating plan and they were feeling good. But their booster rocket sputtered and caught on fire and lost in the final race. Seeing the Cheater Pumpkin for what it was (a big bad cheater!), the children in the crowd began to chant "CHEAT-ER!" "CHEAT-ER!" and then "SMASH IT!" "SMASH IT!" And with that inspiration from the crowd the referee smashed the Cheater Pumpkin into a million bits with his Hammer of Justice. The kids cheered as the referee then rested the Everything was going according to the brother’s grand cheating plan and they were feeling good. But their booster rocket sputtered and caught on fire during and lost in the final race. Seeing the Cheater Pumpkin for what it was (a big bad cheater!), the children in the crowd began to chant "CHEAT-ER!" "CHEAT-ER!" and then "SMASH IT!" "SMASH IT!" And with that inspiration from the crowd the referee smashed the Cheater Pumpkin into a million bits with his Hammer of Justice. The kids cheered as the referee then rested the Hammer of Justice on his shoulder and stared coldly at the cheating von Hoffman Brothers.

Did the brother’s learn their lesson that year at the Pumpkin Races? Did they realize that Cheaters never prosper? Did they then decide to try to win with honest, hard work and ingenuity? Unfortunately not! They vowed to continue to improve their cheating skills in an effort to become even better cheaters the next year.

And so it goes...

Every year at the Pumpkin Races fans anticipate the arrival of the von Hoffman Brothers and their latest Cheater Pumpkin creation. The brothers can be spotted roaming the sidelines prior to the race consumed their goal of winning by any means necessary.

And as they have done for more than 10 years the cheating and deceitful bothers will slowly make their way to starting line with their Cheater Pumpkin. They will place it on the starting line (or perhaps just a little bit over the line) with the good people who play by the rules fair and square.

Amazingly, the brothers’ cheating ways will somehow slip right past the highly trained referees. But the children will slowly begin their truthful and powerful chant "CHEAT - ER!! CHEAT - ER!! CHEAT - ER!! CHEAT - ER!!" A collective force of good and justice will be created once again at The Pumpkin Race.

It will all prove to be all too much for brothers and their Cheater Pumpkin to overcome. The pre-fabricated chassis... the flaming tailpipe exhaust… the remote controlled steering mechanism… all will be exposed for what they are – the empty bag of tricks of a cheater trying to win by cheating.

With the children as his inspiration the referee will toss his penalty flag and disqualify The Cheater Pumpkin. As usual, the cheating von Hoffman Brothers will quickly propel their Cheater Pumpkin down the track in a fiery display. But no matter how fast The Cheater Pumpkin races down the track it will not win! For it is a cheater. And we all know that cheaters never prosper. The crowd will go wild and justice will prevail for another year at the Pumpkin Race.

And the ugly sight of The Cheater Pumpkin will become a distant memory – only to return to the Pumpkin Race again next year…

Will The Cheater Pumpkin ever win? Come find out on October 26 beginning at 1:00pm at the Manhattan Beach Pier. Join the cool band of kids and adults playing by the rules, and competing fair and square. Some will win their race using a combination of scientific mastery, others with a powerful combination of creativity and ingenuity. A few will win with that magic touch of luck on their side. Win or lose, all will have the time of their lives.

See you at the Races!

P.S. Bring it on, Cheaters!